“Giftedness is not what you do or how hard you work. It is who you are. You think differently. You experience life intensely. You care about injustice. You seek meaning. You appreciate and strive for the exquisite. You are painfully sensitive. You are extremely complex. You cherish integrity. Your truth-telling has gotten you in trouble. Should 98% of the population find you odd, seek the company of those who love you just the way you are. You are not broken. You do not need to be fixed. You are utterly fascinating. Trust yourself!”

Linda Silverman~Gifted Development Center Denver


Saturday 29 June 2013

Warning...July Currently Ahead!



Don't want to be Debbie Downer so I warn you all that July's Currently is not an upbeat teaching post.  You may not want to read it, and I understand if you choose not to.

Listening:  We just returned from my Mom's house.  She lives two doors down.  Long story short, I moved here when my Mom was on her own after Dad died, but she had not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's yet.  That was 10 years ago.  A LOT has changed since then.  Mom has been sick with Alzheimer's a LONG time.  She probably had it years and years before I moved back, but she hid it well.  Now she is in the latter stages, and we discovered 3 weeks ago that she has very advanced, terminal cancer.  She continues to refuse palliative care in a hospital.  My hubby and I share the job of caring for her, and for my brother (who also has brain cancer and lives with her.)  The house needs to be dealt with and the lawn in the backyard literally looks like a jungle.  Trying to get my family to let someone on the property to deal with the mess has been trying!

Loving:  I won't lie, I 'm NOT loving being on holiday, but I am loving being done with school.  I found the stress this year to be overwhelming.  I am the alternate union steward for our school, and the steward and I weathered the storms of political unrest here in Ontario the best we could.  It was a tough year in all aspects.  I had a large class, we had a lot of stress at school, and there were a lot of changes and challenges.  I'm going to need the next two months to sort it all out in my head.

Thinking:  Thinking is my downfall, has always been so.  Are you like me and you think too much?  I think a lot of teachers do!  I run all the possible scenarios through my head for EVERYTHING.  Sometimes this is good because it helps me be better prepared in the classroom, other times it is horrible because I imagine all the bad things that can happen in my personal life.  I know that there is no good ending to the situation with my mother and brother.  It all came crashing down on me during our annual awards ceremony at school the other day.  I suffered what I have been told was a "panic/anxiety" attack.  I could not breathe, I thought I was having a heart attack, my face felt like there were a million bugs crawling on it, and I just FREAKED!  Took me quite awhile to calm down.  Ended up going to the doctor just in case. She gave me something to take in case it happens again.  I really just have to find a way to stop THINKING!  Any suggestions?  (Please don't say yoga or meditation, I just can't go there right now).

Wanting:  I don't want anything for myself right now.  I do want my Mom to die with dignity.  I don't know HOW to facilitate that.  She gave POA (power of attorney) to one of her sisters a few years ago, so there is nothing I can do to help without my aunt's permission.  She had not visited for YEAR until I called and told her Mom has cancer and is going to die soon.  My aunt is trying the best she can, but really, I need to have some say, and I don't seem to be allowed to have it.  I feel powerless watching things unfold in a way that I would not choose and I am certain my Mother would not want.  

Needing:  It is hard to understand what this feels like if you haven't been through it yourself.  I never imagined that life would end up like this.  I wish that the neighbours, and doctors and social workers could understand how it feels to be the family member of someone like my mother (or my brother) but how can they?  I am lucky that my hubby gets it, he lives it each and every day with me, perhaps even more than me, as he has been there while I was at work.  God bless him, he is my angel.

Tips,Tricks or Hints:  If you have a family member, friend or loved one who is a caregiver for an elderly parent or a sick family member, just try to support them and love them.  They need it, because they may be like me, and not know what to do.  The may feel that what they are doing isn't right or isn't enough.  I have never asked for prayers in my life before EVER, but I think I could use them now.   For my mother and brother.  I would like to think there are some good thoughts in the universe being directed their way.



23 comments:

  1. I found you from Farley's Currently. I am very sorry to hear of the troubles with you Mother. I have a very dear friends in her later thirties that lost both of her parents to cancer. She had similar issues with the POA issue. It is not easy for anyone.

    I will being thinking about you and hoping that you are taking care of yourself.

    All the best
    NY Blogger
    Iteachkidsabc@gmail.com
    :o) V.
    Special Teacher for Special Kids

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    1. Thank you for reading through the post. It was really more for me than for anyone else. I just wanted to write about it. I wanted to get it off my chest! Your taking the time to comment means a lot to me. Thank you.

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  2. So sorry to hear all that you are going through. I am sure the stress is hard to bear. Luckily you are on your break and have time to deal with what you need to do without the stress of work.

    Take some time for yourself. Take 30-60 minutes a day to excercise. I am a firm believer that this is what keeps me sane. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed and things are hard to handle I get out and excercise. It not only keeps your body healthy, but your mind as well.
    Good luck and wishing you the best.

    Aloha,
    Corinna (✿◠‿◠)
    Surfin' Through Second

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    1. The exercise is a great idea! I like to take an hour walk each day with the hubby and the dogs, but we haven't been doing it. We seem paralyzed, afraid to do anything in case we are needed. The good thing is the walk is local and we could do it and still be close to home. Thanks for commenting and for the great suggestions!
      Sidney

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  3. I am glad to hear that you got something for the anxiety attacks. As always, I'm sending positive thoughts for strength and healing for you and peace for your mom and brother your way.

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    1. Karen,
      Thank hon! You have been so kind to me through all this. It's nice to know there is someone who understands. I haven't taken the medication for the anxiety but I do have it in case I have another attack, and that in itself is calming to me. I just need to keep breathing and taking it day by day, putting one foot in front of the other!
      Sidney

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    2. I have anxiety medication ready, just in case, too. Last year I was having some pretty serious attacks. Just be careful driving if you've taken one. I found that I felt similar to being drunk after taking the medication, though I know there are lots of people who do really well, and it make a difference depending on which it is.

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    3. I have anxiety medication ready, just in case, too. Last year I was having some pretty serious attacks. Just be careful driving if you've taken one. I found that I felt similar to being drunk after taking the medication, though I know there are lots of people who do really well, and it make a difference depending on which it is.

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  4. Replies
    1. Thanks for the hugs Erin! Glad you are ready to start your summer too!
      Sidney

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  5. Oh Sidney it sounds like you have more on your plate than any one person should have to handle. I will be praying for you and your family.

    Ending on a happy note. I adore your Tiffany inspired blog. Too darn cute. As far as relaxing how about a massage or facial. You deserve some pampering. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Sherrie! I love my new blog design. It has been a little highlight in the midst of all the chaos! I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and leave me a comment. Your kind thoughts and words are much appreciated.
      Sidney

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  6. Lots of hugs for you. My husband's grandmother had advanced dementia and it was very difficult...for her, for her family, for everyone. I agree with Corinna's comment about exercise. It may help you deal with the anxiety as well. I hope you get some rest and a little time to take care of yourself this summer!

    Sarah
    MissKinBK

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    1. Sarah,
      Thank you so much for dropping by and leaving me a comment. I appreciate all your kind words and thoughts.
      Sidney

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  7. So sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time lately. My grandfather passed away from Alzheimers so I have seen what happens as a person goes through that illness. I will be praying for you and your family during this time!

    Hunter's Tales from Teaching

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    1. Bethany,
      Your prayers are much appreciated. I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather. This disease is devastating. I hope they find a cure or treatment for it in our lifetimes!
      Sidney

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  8. Just found your blog through the currently linky. I was thinking, "How did she find the time to write on her blog?" Then I thought about it and decided it was probably something to help you out. You needed to share your story. I can't imagine what it feels like to be in your situation, but I'm so happy you have your husband to support you. You are doing what you can. It was a reminder to me (and I'm sure others) that we need to love those around us. I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this, but know that we are all here to support you. Even if we don't know you personally. Take care of yourself.

    Jeanette
    Third Grade Galore

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  9. Jeanette,
    I find the time to write my blog when I can't sleep or I can't cope. Sometimes my family is mad at me because I have been known to have my laptop at the dinner table. I try to NOT do that very often. I usually write in the early morning before I need to make breakfast, prepare medication, and generally go into survival mode. I take an hour or so and just write and read other blogs and that is my "vice" if you can call it that.
    Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment and to send me positive thoughts. I will take everything I can get right now!
    Sidney

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  10. Sidney - I just want to add my voice to the others who are standing in a supportive circle of friendship. Many of us had very difficult years as teachers this year. We teachers are born givers. It is so hard for us to say "no" and do something just for ourselves. I found myself in the doctor's office just as you did. I never thought I would accept a medication to get through tough times, but there I was. Learning to say "no" and take on less really helps. Asking for help from those who can do something is also helpful.I have a hard time turning off my brain as well. Exercise is a good release. Writing can be therapeutic. Being a part of a support group can give you a place to talk it out. Our hearts go out to you.

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  11. Your post just brought tears to my eyes, but not the type to trigger an attack this time! I really do appreciate all the kindness of my bloggy buddies. I wish that I got this type of support at school, but I don't. I am taking each day as it comes, and reminding myself to JUST KEEP BREATHING. One thing I have noticed is that I stop breathing deeply when I am stressed and that often triggers the anxiety. I will keep doing what I need to do, and eventually I will come out of this a stronger person. I know looking back on it in the future it will be a pivotal moment in my life, but right now, I just need to keep my head above water. Gonna go for that walk now!
    Sidney

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  12. Hi,
    Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. I have dealt with both of the things your are dealing with right now. My Mom died three years ago from Brain Cancer and my grandmother had Alzheimer's Disease. Both of these diseases took away so much from two incredible people. I would be glad to offer any help I can from the practical stuff to the overwhelming stuff. I will also be glad to be a sounding board. Brain Cancer is a tough one because no one talks about it that much. You are welcome to email me at idreamoffirstgrade@aol.com
    if you would like to talk.
    Sarah
    I Dream of First Grade

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